A GPS for Fathers Day
By Dan Coulter
Father’s day is a celebration of the
times we get it right.
The times we’re wise and strong and
patient, like the fathers in the 1950’s sitcoms "Father Knows Best"
and "Leave it to Beaver."
And that’s great, because the more we
get credit for the things we do that work, the more likely we are to
repeat them.
Being a dad is a special challenge
for fathers of children with Asperger Syndrome. You have to deal
with all the normal parenting stuff, plus all the "Asperger Stuff."
Frankly, it feels good when someone acknowledges what we’re doing
right.
Remember that first big step in
becoming the father your child with Asperger Syndrome needs? When
you realized that the conventional wisdom passed down by those
sitcom fathers often doesn’t work with the Asperger Stuff. Because
their advice maps were laid out by people who’d never navigated the
intricacies of AS. Frankly, some of the directions in those maps
don’t work that well with typical kids, including, “You just have to
stand up to bullies.” When you try that road with our children, it
leads to disaster.
But we learn.
We learn to draw our own maps, based
on what we discover on mental excursions with our highly individual
offspring.
Somewhere along the way, we stop to
think how much our happiness depends on making our families happy.
Hearing your children laugh and getting a thank you hug is
addictive. These responses can be harder to spark in a child with
AS, but that makes success even sweeter.
Teaching our children is partly about
learning that short cuts rarely work. Success usually requires
taking the longer road of explaining things in terms that make sense
in the unique universe behind those skeptical eyes.
I really appreciate those fathers who
make the extra effort to interact with other dads and pool what
they’ve learned. I know of one such dad in Charlotte, North
Carolina, who started a local support group for fathers of children
with AS.
I think such support groups are
great. About ten years ago, when we lived in Atlanta, the minister
of the church we attended saw how isolated men could become, busy
with their jobs and families. He held an event where a bunch of men
in the church got together, broke into groups of six or so, and told
their life stories. My group of busy dads decided to make time to
meet on Saturday mornings for breakfast at a local restaurant.
There was no agenda. We talked about whatever was on our minds. At
first, mostly sports, yards, and work. And when we grew more
comfortable, about family stuff. Comparing notes on which paths led
to dead ends and which got us through the woods.
Justly or unjustly, dads are famous
for not wanting to ask for directions.
But even if you just listen, getting
together with other dads is like tapping into a database-packed GPS
to help you figure out the right route to helping your child with
Asperger Syndrome be successful and happy.
So take credit for your progress this
Fathers Day. And think about whether that GPS could make the trip
to your next Dad’s Day even better.
* * *
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Dan Coulter
is the producer of the video: "ASPERGER SYNDROME FOR DAD: Becoming
An Even Better Father To Your Child With AS." You can find
additional articles on his website at:
www.coultervideo.com.
Copyright 2009 Dan
Coulter All Rights Reserved. Used by Permission.
